If my mom doesn’t care about my feelings and shows affection to me, who else will be? This is the most frequent question many children are asking themselves today.
But do they mean those unkind things they do or say? Good parents always protect their children from harm and should be the last person to hurt you.
Your mom is supposed to be the most special person in your life. This hurts even more when she says something that offends you, hurting your feelings.
You might not know what to do or how to respond. This article will help you learn how to respond to a mom who doesn’t care about your feelings while taking care of yourself.
1. Is It Normal To Feel Hurt?
It’s normal to feel hurt, and your temper rises if your mom says something unkind to you. Don’t respond or argue immediately. Take deep, slow breaths to calm yourself. It can help to walk out of place to get some space.
Your mom might not be able to accept you the way you are, but you can change how you see her. This can change everything.
You cannot change your mom, and you may not be able to leave your home and how frequently you meet with her. Changing how you respond to her can change everything.
2. Why Does Your Mom Hurt You?
My mom doesn’t care about my feelings, but do you know much about your mom? Try to find out more about her past, personality, and childhood. If you learn more about your mom, you’ll learn more about why nothing is ever good enough for her. You’ll feel empathy and compassion toward her, changing how you perceive her.
Your mom might be trying to cope with childhood emotional pain. She might be dealing with trauma, and it’s difficult for her to work through it. She can be fixated on it and you to the point of using you as a release.
This can help you understand that her hurtful comments or character are more about her incapability to deal with the situation than anything you did.
When your mom hurts your feelings when it’s not your fault, there might be several other reasons behind it, including;
- Poor emotional intelligence
- Mental health issues such as depression
- Substance abuse issues such as alcoholism
- Poor problem-solving skills etc.
These cases can lead to your mom’s saying or doing things that often leave you hurt and feeling bad.
After understanding your mom for whom she is, you need to accept yourself for who you are. Maybe your mom is a perfectionist who cannot accept you no matter what and has no emotional validation toward you. Your mom might tell you that whatever you do is not good enough. Your mom can make you feel very bad about yourself.
You can’t control what your mom says or does to you, but it’s up to you to control what you think about yourself. You can replace those “I’m not good enough” words with healthier ones because you can do so.
3. Do I Respond When My Mom Doesn’t Care About My Feelings?
Coping with toxic parenting, which you can’t get on with, can be very frustrating. However, when you understand how you can respond when your mom hurts your feelings, you can stay around her without feeling irritated. There are happier and healthier ways to handle a mom who doesn’t see anything good in you. Here are several things you can do about it.
4. Express Your Feelings
Express your feelings to your mom for her to know you’re hurting. It can be frightening or crushing to approach your mom to discuss your feelings, but it’s a big and bold step. Keep your tone of voice calm and use polite language. This will make her more likely to listen to you calmly. Tell her she is hurting your feelings and you’d like to see change.
What are the benefits of expressing your emotions?
Little did you know keeping secrets or hiding resentment and anger from your parents, especially your mom, for too long is not good for your mental health. Well, that action may work as one of a few coping mechanisms for your rude mom. However, it takes a toll on your overall health. It may lead to anxiety and depression if this issue isn’t taken seriously. Hence, it will be better to express your feelings and vulnerability to her. There are some benefits of expressing emotions you have been hiding for so long, such as:
- Build a better and deep relationship with your closest ones. By talking eyes-to-eyes, the hearts connect, and your mom can see your expression and gestures better without distraction, for example, when you do on the chat.
- Release negative emotions. It’s important, especially if you have a tenuous relationship with your mom. Maybe, she doesn’t care about your feelings because you don’t say a thing about them in the first place. But in this case, it is crucial to find the right time to avoid misunderstanding.
- See the problem from a different perspective. By expressing what you feel to your mom, you may know what influence her negative behaviors toward you. For instance, why your mom seems to have no empathy and emotionally abuse you by neglecting your feelings? And from that point, you both can figure the issue out and find a solution.
5. Create An Emotional Space
If your mom hurts your feelings time after time, create an emotional space between you and your mom. You can practice detaching, whereby you distance yourself emotionally from what she says or does.
If you can’t leave physically, you can mentally detach yourself by believing you’re not responsible for your mom’s feelings and not rise to her hurtful challenge. Emotional space can be a great thing to help you protect your feelings.
What is emotional space?
Emotional space is a space to give yourself time to know and learn about emotions that may be hidden far deeper or difficult to express. The benefits of emotional space include:
- Feel your feelings despite them being negative and positive. Don’t judge yourself! It’s normal to have overflowing emotions. Feel it, embrace it while you are alone in a personal space.
- After you are able to feel your emotions, name them one by one. It helps you understand yourself deeper.
- Determine what you want to do about the feelings. But first, accept and validate them so that you can handle the emotions better.
6. Create Healthy Boundaries
Identify the behaviors you would like your mom to stop and establish boundaries. You might need some distance from your mom to create boundaries you’re incapable of verbally making. These boundaries are for you because you’re doing it for yourself.
You want to make sure that she knows what behavior is appropriate and what’s not because it will help you start to heal.
Also, you should communicate your boundaries politely and clearly and hold firm even though your mom pushes back. You still love her, but you are trying to keep your distance to have peace and balance.
7. Have A Positive Mindset
Developing a positive mindset in family conflicts for the sake of your mental health may be challenging, but it is possible. Unless you change your viewpoint, you may start to believe hurtful things that your mum does or says to you. If you think you are a bad person, stop it and tell yourself that you are a good person.
Develop positivity and keep positive thoughts. In the end, you’ll believe them. For instance, if you think you are criticized so much. Tell yourself that though you are not perfect, you do your best. Never criticize yourself
8. Make Self-Care Your Priority.
Hurtful feelings can be hard to cope with, so Self-care is your priority. Stop focusing so much on your mom because you can’t change her. However, you can improve your own life positively.
Try to have enough sleep, nutritious food, healthy movement, and treat yourself nicely. Some of the great ways you can care for yourself include;
- Learning a skill you’ve always wanted to.
- Going out to visit nature
- Treating yourself to your favorite dessert or coffee
- Spend most of your free time with supportive people.
Spend your time with people who respect and love you. Emotional supportive people will make you feel valued. Taking a break from the anxiety and stress of your mom will go a long way.
Call your loved ones and friends who care about you. Even texting will make you feel well. Share what you are going through with them. You will feel better around people who care and love you the way you are.
If you aren’t sure who to talk to or would like to talk with somebody going through the same, you can join a support group for kids with toxic parents. You can also look for a group online or a counselor.
9. Reach Out If There Is Abuse
If your mom is abusive and you have emotional isolation, you need to be careful. Reach out to a trusted adult or someone who can assist you. This could be a relative, a teacher, or a school counselor.
Suppose your mom is, for instance, screaming or throwing things at you; go to a safe place and call a relative or a trusted adult to come to pick you up.
In case you feel afraid for your safety, call 911. If you aren’t in a place to call emergency services, you can go to a public place such as a library or a business with a yellow “Safe Place” sign. You will get the assistance you need, or they can arrange how you will talk with counselors.
10. Get Professional Support
There are people out there who can help you! Reach out to a therapist specializing in family matters or a counselor from your school to help you figure out how to talk with your mom. They can also assist you in coping with the situation.
Does therapy really help?
If you feel overwhelmed by the emotional neglect and gaslighting your parents expose you, you may need professional help to schedule therapy. Even though it doesn’t help right away, you can learn your symptoms and get diagnosed and better treatment. As time goes by, you may see a shift in mood and behavior.
For instance, you will feel less anxious and depressed and manage your anger a little better. In case you are not ready to meet the professional on-site, you can book an appointment and have your session online. There are some online counselors that provide such services, like, BetterHelp.
It’s perfectly okay to feel hurt if your mom is unkind to you but release your anger and bitterness to move on. Forgiveness is something you can’t force yourself to do. It isn’t very easy.
Forgive your mom when you feel ready. It is not a must to forgive your mom verbally, though you can tell her something like, “I have forgiven you for the hurtful things you’ve been saying or doing to me. Let’s move past it.
It’s okay to psychologically recognize that you’ve let go of the hurt that she caused you and that you have forgiven her. You don’t just need to forgive your mom. She deserves your forgiveness.
12. Looking Forward
Living with an unkind mother who keeps hurting your feelings can be a hurting experience, especially if you have no particular attachment styles with your parents. However, its effects on you don’t have to be everlasting. You’ve managed the best way possible and protected yourself. It might be time to let go.
Humans are bound to escape painful moments and protect themselves to survive, so be empathic to yourself. Your painful experiences in the past should not determine your present or future. Don’t live in emotional hurt for the rest of your life! Heal and move on.
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