As unusual as it may appear, there are instances in which a mother is incapable of giving the care and love that her children need. This lack of care and affection equates to children with attachment issues and lack of mental stability. When a child is young, they are not able to distinguish between these problems about “I wish my mom cared about me,” but over the years, they will usually come to feel that their mother does not care or love them.
1. The Reasons
Why doesn’t my mother care about me? To answer this question, we have to start talking about toxic mothers, the profile of a woman who ends up making her children feel that way. In recent years, society has changed too much. Toxic mothers are usually women who have not been mothers by sheer will. Either because it is what they had to do, because they have not had the right to decide, or due to unwanted pregnancies, these mothers have had to give birth and raise children that they really did not want. However, that is only one scenario. There are mothers who want to have their own kids, but just don’t know how to show that they care. In some cases, these mothers receive the same treatment from their mothers and it becomes a recycling process.
2. Characteristics of a Mom Who Doesn’t Care
If we take this into account, it is not so strange to think that not only did they not love and care for their daughters unconditionally, but they have also seen them as a problem, an annoyance or even as a rival who can have what she has not been able to have.
In addition, within the characteristics of toxic mothers who don’t act like they care, we find:
- They tend to be very childish women.
- They tend to be very narcissistic women.
- They have never assumed the role that corresponds to them as mothers.
- They only look at their wants and needs.
- They are very unhappy women.
- They project all the accumulated dissatisfaction onto their daughters.
3. How to identify a toxic mother
There is no single type of uncaring and toxic mother. This feeling that your mother does not love you can come in different ways. For example, there are some who envy everything in their daughter’s life, others who overprotect to the extreme to prevent her independence, some who absorb, others who use victimhood repeatedly and permanently. There are other mothers who act in a dependent way, making them believe that it is their daughter’s duty to satisfy all her wishes, and so on.
However, something that is common to all of them and that serves to identify an uncaring mother is the use of the following aspects against her daughters:
- They use guilt.
- They make cruel criticism.
- They are very manipulative.
- They humiliate constantly.
- They have no empathy.
- They are very selfish.
- They envy their daughter’s success.
- They do not want to give independence to the daughter.
- They make them feel that they are the victims.
4. Limits to Improving the Relationship With Your Mother
Don’t make the mistake of believing that your mother can interpret everything you want or expect at all times simply because she is your mother. Maternal wisdom falls short of this gift. Therefore, express to her what is important to you. For example, set limits, make specific demands and, of course, also listen to what your mother has to tell you.
If your mother does not call you on the phone to check up on you often, then you will need to prioritize communication around this issue to make her understand that you are offended by it. If you tend to adopt an attitude of overprotection towards her, then try to modify this behavior. Identify at what point in particular you would like this relationship to evolve, and what limit you currently observe between you.
5. Communication is Important
Communication with your mother is important because, in this way, you can both understand each other better from your respective vital positions at each age and in each circumstance.
Here are some tips that will help you improve your relationship with your mother:
- Maybe you don’t live in the same city as your mother. In that case, trust that you can also do something to improve the emotional bond. For example, call her on the phone on more occasions to find out how she is and tell her some of the things going on in your life. If you don’t share, then she won’t care.
- Show her you care. For example, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers on any given day, accompany her on some errands, or lend her a book that you love so that she can read it. In short, it objectively demonstrates that your mother is part of your life. Don’t settle for knowing that she already knows. Don’t take it for granted.
6. Learn More About Each Other
Time is necessary in any type of relationship. But in this case, it is even more so given the generational distance. For this reason, value the gift of having your mother present in your life and create new common experiences that will be your future memories. If you think that she does not care about you, extend the ‘olive branch’ and show her with your actions that you want a relationship with her.
Thanks to this generational distance, this link is also so interesting, since you can constantly learn anecdotes that you don’t know. For example, you can show your positive curiosity by discovering details of your mother’s childhood. She probably would take pleasure in telling you about that time when you were not present.
7. Your Mother Has Imperfections
It is natural that when you look at the history of your life together with your mother, there is some aspect that you would have liked to be different. However, understand that your mother is not perfect, just like you make mistakes, she also has flaws. The love that she feels for you is perfect in terms of patience, generosity and truth.
Throughout your life, you will meet many people. However, few will be as significant as your own mother who is present throughout your life, even if she is not good at outright showing her care and concern for you. Her influence of love, education and her values is a root of self-esteem for you.
Try to put into practice virtues that she cares for when she talks to you: patience, kindness, acceptance and respect. But, in addition, try to understand the circumstances that affect your mother like any other human being. For example, worries, stress, tiredness, fears and disappointments. Therefore, don’t just point to her imperfections. Understand that she goes through stuff too.
8. Cultivating Bond
Cultivate the bond with your mother from the realism of knowing that, just like you, she also feels affected by external issues. And while generosity is the defining quality of the motherhood experience, remember that there must be a balance between giving and receiving. That is, you can also be an important support for your mother at all times. Give her more than one reason to care.
9. How to Deal with An Uncaring Mother
If you feel that your mother does not love and care for you, it is normal to want to reverse that situation. You may have spent your childhood seeking your parent’s approval, but whatever you did it seemed like nothing was enough. This can lead to seeking constant approval as an adult and feeling insecure.
You may have achieved great academics, a good job, earn a lot of money, have a fantastic family, yet you still feel that you are not enough . Worst of all, you can end up making this situation chronic, acting in the same way as your own children. That is something to be avoided at all costs.
10. Taking Measures
Depending on the case, it may be essential to receive psychological help to revive the person who has been hidden after so many reproaches. You must be aware that everyone is capable of directing their lives, and that freedom is something that no one can take away from you, not even your mother.
Learning what has happened to you throughout your life is a very important first step. From here, you can accept that all your efforts to please your mother will be unsuccessful. Therefore, if it is the last resort, you must distance yourself from her emotionally – even physically – to get your happiness back.
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