Relationships with parents are not always easy. Sometimes they even become really complicated because, although it may seem hard to believe, both the father and the mother can be emotionally toxic toward the child, making the child feel bad. This makes the relationship very complex because, when these types of situations are experienced, it is sometimes common to have to cut the tie or set limits with the parents themselves.
This situation is even more complicated when it occurs with parents because, traditionally, it is believed that it is unthinkable that your own mother could be harmful to you. But this happens sometimes. In that case, what can you do if your mom makes you feel bad about yourself?
How to Deal with an Emotionally Charged Mother
The emotional plane is the most complicated to work on, because the toxic relationship with the mother is not always evident. In fact, on many occasions, it is hidden under the concept of love, but it is not like that. It must be clarified that it is not that your mother does not love you, but rather that she manages your feelings to achieve her goals, which can be very diverse, such as:
- Not wanting you to leave her alone
- Not becoming independent because she is afraid of losing you
- Being overprotective due to worrying a lot, or any other situation.
That implies loss of control over you. It is a relationship that is based on abuse, insecurity and creating bonds that are destructive to you because they limit you. Many times, the mother always tries to create a feeling of guilt in her children, even though she is not really aware that she is doing it.
The best thing to do in these cases to deal with a toxic mother is to establish a mental distance. It’s harsh, but it can be really effective. Specifically, when you talk to her, you build a wall in your mind, so as not to let yourself be influenced by the comments she makes to you or generate any kind of feeling in you.
Only in this way will you be able to ensure that this toxic relationship does not affect you in a significant way and you can lead your life, develop as a person, have relationships and friends or carry out any other purpose or action in your life that your mother tries to prevent you from doing.
And, above all, never make the mistake of playing the victim, because it will be much more difficult to get out of that relationship and you will prolong a bond that is really hurting you.
Tips for Communicating with a Toxic Mother
In very extreme cases, it may be convenient to cut off the entire relationship with the toxic mother. Before reaching this situation, a series of tips can be followed to try to communicate better with a toxic mother and redirect the bond.
Limit Topics of Conversation
One of the main keys is to limit the topics of conversation that are discussed with her. For example, if she always makes comments about your friends and the time you spend with friends, reproaching you for the fact that she is alone and you don’t pay attention to her, avoid saying that you have met or who you have been with and the activities you have done with your friends . If you can’t avoid commenting, limit the information you give her, which means you should never tell her everything. You must do this with any subject with which she tries to manipulate you.
Shorten Communication Time
The communication time can also be shortened. If you don’t live with her, a good trick is to set certain days to talk and see how she is doing and only tell her what you think you should and that it won’t cause any conflict. You can do the same with physical visits. Always limit the number of times you go to see her at her house per week. Fortunately, there are new technologies and the traditional telephone to keep in touch. Some channels that you can use to have short conversations and at a certain distance, but without breaking contact. If you live with her, you can still shorten communication by spending more time in your own personal space and only speaking to her when it is absolutely necessary.
It is important to always leave the door to communication open. You must not leave things unsaid, from feelings to thoughts. You must not assume that the other person knows you enough to not speak or express what they feel. And remember that no matter how good the relationship is, no one can read your mind. It is best that you speak honestly and clearly, that you listen and thus avoid misunderstandings.
Set the Record Straight
Setting the record straight with the toxic mother is another option. To do this, you have to be forceful and blunt. For example, if she constantly criticizes your best friend to make you feel bad, you can tell her to stop, or you won’t tell her anything else about your personal life. The same can be applied if she criticizes your work, your partner, etc. But you have to be clear that this only works if you apply what you have said. In other words, if she makes one of those criticisms or comments to you again, you will have to stop talking to her about it. You must assume the consequences and not soften to her. This, of course, applies when criticism and comments are not constructive and are not aimed at giving you a different point of view to help you.
Do Not Judge
To improve the relationship with your mother, you must try not to judge. This is advice that is valid for mothers and children. Both parties must try to understand the other. You have to understand that you are from different generations and that can constantly confront you. Belonging to different life periods is a common source of problems in family relationships. It is very important not to be afraid of being the first to resolve conflicts and bring points of view closer to a better understanding.
When you have a toxic mother, it is good to tell her how you feel about her actions or the comments and criticisms that she makes of you. You don’t have to be afraid to express what you feel and tell her clearly as long as you do so respectfully. She may not be aware of it.
In any case, even if she apologizes and promises that she will not do it again, you have to continue to maintain certain limits and distances until you verify that, over time, it is true that this toxic relationship has ended. In addition, help her try to stop being a toxic person by seeking the help of a professional who can help you solve the situation and minimize the negative effects and consequences of a toxic relationship.
Reducing Excessive Tension
Sometimes things get out of hand because it’s too much. There can be an accumulation of actions, words and attitudes that generate an explosion of anger against you and it is something that can happen to anyone. Mothers are people who are involved in everything every second and, on many occasions, tension can lead to disagreements and arguments.
The solution to this is to talk and discuss each problem at a time. This is the best thing to avoid, because in any situation, the discomfort reappears and accumulates with the new one. When everything is under control, then healing can take place. Future conflicts can be avoided and if not, when this happens, the best action is not to argue so as not to feed the fire. It is best to walk away until you both calm down.
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