It is unfortunate if the kids wonder why my mom make me feel worthless since the mother is generally one of the most important figures in the life of any child. Therefore, the feeling of worthlessness generates a lot of suffering for a child because, instead of finding support in that reference figure, conflicting feelings arise. There are many reasons why a mother can be verbally abusive toward her children.
However, despite those reasons, whether due to a stressor or psychological problems, it is vital that you do not tolerate this type of attitude toward yourself. Here are the reasons and some tips you can try to set boundaries with the psychological manipulation your mom showers you with!
1. The Reasons
In many cases, abusive mothers may be facing a psychological disorder that affects their behavior. They can also have too many responsibilities and/or stress due to their personal situation. Faced with this type of behavior, it is important that you learn that you are not to blame for the emotional abuse.
Whatever the reason your mother is abusive, it is vital that you work on letting go of the guilt and low self-esteem, as well as any negative thinking that makes you believe that you do not deserve love. In these cases, it is better that you choose to prioritize your mental health and self-worth.
What are the signs of a toxic mother?
Having a toxic mother can leave you with the emotional trauma you carry while growing up. To prevent such things from happening, you better set a limit with your abusive mom by knowing the signs below!
- They have narcissistic parenting. Everything only circulates around them. They don’t care about you and others.
- They are overdramatic. Small problems, such as forgetting to put books in their places, seem to be huge issues they can’t handle.
- They speak harsh criticism out loud. Despite trying your best, you will never be good enough for them, leaving you with anxiety.
- They don’t appreciate boundaries. Such a toxic mom will freely interfere with your life choice without feeling guilty. If you don’t follow her will, gaslighting is a commonly her option for guilt-tripping you.
- They are extremely controlling. Generally, they will use their powers to get what they want.
2. How to Set Limits for an Abusive Mother?
In these cases, being aware that your mother is abusive can negatively affect your well-being and make you feel worthless. In fact, experiencing this pain can end up causing disorders such as depression and anxiety. So, it is crucial that you protect your mental health. In this way, it is recommended that you take the following tips below to deal with this toxic attitude.
3. Have a serious talk with your mother
Although it seems useless, perhaps your mother is not realizing her abusive attitude towards you. For this reason, you may be able to get some changes in her attitude if you talk seriously with her. Through this wake-up call, your mother may understand that her words and behaviors are negative and that she must change them or work within herself to improve her treatment of you and herself.
How to have a deep talk with my mom?
Childhood or past trauma may be the root of why your mom makes you feel worthless. She may not understand how to respond or react when you try to start a conversation with her. All she pictures in her head is that you are a rebellious daughter who always tries to win over her argument. To eliminate the tension and have a deep talk with your mom, you can try the following tips:
- Find the right time. You can ask her when she finishes her work or house chores. That way, she will relax her muscles and have a clear mind to talk with you.
- Know the topic. Besides the timing, a topic defines when to start a convo with your mom. If you want to discuss your college choices, you can prepare a list of options with the reasons why you choose them for your education.
- Be honest. Even though your mom seems hard on you, believe that she will appreciate honesty. You can express what you want from her, for example, advice to solve your problems. Use polite gestures and language.
4. Ask for support
If your mother’s attitude is affecting you too much, it can help to talk about it with friends and family. That is the first place to start since they may know your mom more than you do. We recommend reaching help to your dad since he is the one who knows your mom so well. But do it without your mother’s knowledge because this might trigger her anger.
5. Avoid falling into her negativity
It is normal that, in the face of an abusive mother’s attitude, you also behave negatively towards her. In fact, it is actually better not to have this negative reinforcement as it will lead to more emotional abuse from your mother. It is better to act in a relaxed manner and remain calm in the face of these kinds of behavior patterns.
You can take a deep breath and listen to all her rambling. We know it is super hard, but try to think that your mother is tired and may throw all the shades on you. After that, you can go to your room to release your emotion. If you need to cry or scream under the pillow, it’s okay. Journaling may also help to deal with tons of negative emotions you have.
6. Do not feel worthless
Faced with this form of emotional abuse can be quite hard. However, it is vital that you avoid feeling worthless due to your mother’s attitude. That your mother is wrong is not your fault, it is her own responsibility to work on her mental well-being.
How to cope with feeling unworthy?
Feelings of worthlessness are generally rooted in toxic parenting. Parents who are too controlling, belittling their kids, and tend to be critical cause low self-esteem. If this is left unchecked, it may lead to social anxiety and depression. Children will grow to withdraw themselves from their surroundings. In case you are struggling with the invalidation of your parents that make you feel worthless, these coping tips will hopefully help you to go through this challenging phase:
- Be gentle to yourself. You can try asking yourself, “do I treat myself well?”, “do I want to treat others the way I treat myself?”. We can be so kind to others until we forget to give the same attitude towards ourselves. If you want to eliminate negative thoughts, start journaling. It will help pour your feelings when the voice can’t speak out loud.
- Observe your emotion. That way, you can understand what moment triggers feeling unworthy within you.
- Practice forgiveness. Oftentimes, we forgive others easily but are so hard on ourselves. We take the blame and guilt as the burden on our hearts. By forgiving the flaws and imperfections we have, we put down our heavy hearts and start all over again.
7. Try to Understand Your Mother
In a situation of this type, you can judge your mother; you can come to think that your mother is playing the victim because of how she behaves, or, on the contrary, you can try to understand her attitude. Understanding does not mean justifying but trying to see reality from its own point of view. Why do you think your mother behaves like this towards you? Why does my mom make me feel worthless? Your mom could be her own source of emotional conflict and not sure how to act.
In addition, although children grow in age, many mothers fall into overprotection simply because they do not fully accept the real age of the child or because they live this bond from the role they have had for so many years.
8. Lessons of Life
Mothers teach children many lessons throughout their lives. But, also, children can bring new lessons to their parents. In this case, if your mother makes you feel worthless, she may not even have realized it because she is so locked into her own position, and she is not able to see beyond that point of view. In that case, from affection, explain how you feel. Tell her that having her support is very important to you, even if she doesn’t agree with your decision.
9. Talk to Your Father to Help You
In a situation of this type, if this circumstance blocks the relationship itself. It is advisable to seek the figure of a mediator. For example, a father, an uncle, or a brother. Someone from the closest family nucleus who, from their position, can influence people in a constructive way to think about the common good of all.
That person can give advice to your mother. You may need to talk about how you feel about someone outside the conflict. Perhaps your mother has fears, doubts, and insecurities that she needs to express with confidence. Talking about it will do you good.
10. Your Mother’s Experience
The story that you are living now may also have been experienced by your own mother some time ago when she made her own decisions in maturity. In that case, you can give her concrete examples of how she, in the past, may have carried out dreams, emotional objectives, and purposes autonomously and freely. That is, she made her own life. And you have the right to do yours. Among other reasons, if you give in to your decision to please your mother, at some point, you will regret having done so, and this concession will become a form of resentment.
11. Should I Get Away From My Mother?
When the relationship with your mother and her disapproval affects your own emotional stability, then it may be advisable to distance yourself a bit. However, do not interpret this message as a definitive distance. The relationship is so important that communication should always remain open.
For this reason, find the balance that you need through your own experience for the middle ground between having your own space and caring for your relationship with your mother. This distance is especially necessary when, despite the fact that you have already tried everything to make her understand how you feel, you do not notice a change in her behavior.
You can propose an agreement not to talk about the issue that separates you for a while. In this way, you can open the door to other topics of conversation, plans, and moments that are not constantly interrupted and blocked by this discomfort of feeling worthless. Not talking about it does not mean hiding reality, but taking a break and then revisiting it later.
12. Find Common Ground With Your Mother
In order to improve your relationship with your mother, it is recommended that, beyond the differences, you look for some common interests with your mother. For example, if you both love movies, you can specify a day of the week to go see a new premiere. If you love to travel, you can establish the family tradition of taking one trip a year together to dedicate some time to this turbulent relationship.
13. Spending Time Together
Beyond your general and group relationship with the entire family system, focus your attention on this bond to improve it by spending time with your mother. There is no other way to improve the relationship. For this reason, from the realism of your professional agenda, find moments for your personal life.
What fun activities to do with my mom?
A tenuous relationship with the mother is usually due to a lack of communication and spending time together. Thus, we recommend several activities that can strengthen the bond between you and your mom that you can do anywhere.
- Having a lunch date at her favorite restaurant
- Cooking together in the kitchen to make a delicious dinner set
- Do a movie marathon and grab a popcorn
- A shopping spree is a must!
- Having a nice spa together
- Register for a yoga class
- If she loves gardening, help her out!
- Cafe hopping, especially if she is a coffee addict
- Planning museum visits
14. See a Professional
Dealing with an abusive mother, many people may end up living with sequelae due to this bad relationship. For this reason, if you feel that it is affecting your way of life, it is important that you go to a professional psychologist. Don’t let anyone, even your mother, make you feel bad about yourself.
Is therapy helpful for coping with abusive parents’ trauma?
Therapy is helpful in exploring your toxic parenting trauma. It is also beneficial in discovering what you can do to set boundaries with your abusive mother, understanding and coping with your feelings. One of the most widely used therapies for abusive trauma is CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). According to NHS UK, it is basically a talking method used to deal with issues to change your perspective and thinking. However, you need to consult a mental health professional to know what kind of therapies you need to deal with your problem. You can seek professionals at BetterHelp and find your need.
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