Parenting Your Out Of Control Teenager

Is your teen out of control?

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Diving into the dark world outside of home and school, becoming abusive, getting into drugs and alcohol, running away from home, or dropping out of school?

Sometimes our kids even get themselves a criminal record because of their teenage antics.

It leaves us feeling totally hopeless, and sometimes like we have failed.

Sadly, there is no super quick fix, no cure, but there are things you can do to help try and ease the situation.

But, first we need to remind you of one thing…

Nothing Happens For No Reason

That’s right, there is nothing that happens for absolutely no reason. This is absolutely pivotal to remember.

No matter what you think about your parenting, the way your kid was raised, their school life… everything has a reason behind it.

So, your child’s out of control behavior has reasons behind it.

Be it the desperation to fit in and find somewhere in society they belong, it could be trauma related, they could have mental health problems.

The thing is that sometimes when we get angry and upset at the behavior of our teens, this tells them that they actually cannot talk to us about their problems, leading to them shutting down even more.

They may be afraid to open up, or admit something is wrong, and when this happens, these negative feelings and this hurt can manifest physically and lead to out of control behavior.

So, before you do anything, think about the child’s environment. Do they have loads of positive relationships?

Is there family conflict? Do they struggle to make friends? Have they been peer pressured or bullied?

Even something that seems small to you, could feel like a mountain to them.

Take Control

We start here, generally, we consider teens to be ‘out of control’, but in fact, the teens that are the most out of control or are dangerous are often the ones that are in control of the whole household.

They often hold everyone hostage with their behavior because it leaves everyone scared.

Remember that it is your home, you pay the bills, you put food on the table, so reassert your control.

If you have been too laid back and permissive then you may need to make some changes, find your confidence and step into your power and take back what is yours, because your teen needs to know that you rule this roost, not them.

Tackle Underlying Problems

Teens can have behavioral issues for many reasons, however it is totally possible they may have something like Bipolar disorder, ADHD, or depression and if they are not treated then they can manifest as these behavioral issues we refer to.

You may also be unaware that they may be experiencing C-PTSD from a traumatic event, especially if there has been trauma in the family.

If there have been instances of sexual abuse, divorce, or violent death, as well as drugs or other form of abuse, it could trigger this.

Children who grow up abused may get aggressive or domineering in an attempt to take control of their lives to make up for when they were at the abusive hands of others in their youth.

Spend some time thinking about the many possibilities that could have triggered this type of behavior and try to find the underlying cause.

We know some of you will say ‘there is not one, they’re just out of control’.

Sadly, you’re wrong, there is always a cause, you just may not see it so easily.

Pick Which Battles You Will Fight Carefully

You may have a long list of the things you want to change about your teen, all the things you wish they were, and how you want them to be the child you once knew.

But, remember, you cannot go back to the past, you won’t get what you want.

So, try to distinguish between the issues that need addressing such as drug use, alcohol abuse and any risky sexual activities, and the things that are not that important.

You may never like your child’s friends, you may not like how they look, or be thrilled by their GPA, but these issues are hardly anything compared to their safety, health, and security.

Seek Out The Advice Of A Professional

Even if your child refuses to attend therapy with you, you should go, and speak to the therapist about what you can do to better deal with the situation and help your child best.

If they do agree to attend therapy with you this can be fantastic. They will be able to work out their issues with a third party who is abject.

They can help your child to understand their self-descriptive behaviors and the reasons behind them, as well as how to change them.

They can help them find better solutions, and can inform you on how you can also help your child to work through these things.

Remember They Need To Experience Consequences

This is a hard part, we want to protect our kids from the bad things, and that does not stop even when our children are dangerous and destructive, it’s instinct.

However, this means we often end up enabling and sheltering our destructive children from consequences.

Our kids need to understand consequences, it is part of learning and growing.

So, while it will be so painful, you need to stop enabling your child and sheltering them.

Let them face the real world consequences out there, and understand that they can’t get away with everything.

To Conclude

There is often a reason for this out of control behavior, and it can be resolved. It takes understanding, assistance and also a firm hand.

We can often let our kids walk all over us, especially if they are intimidating, but remember, you have a place too, it’s your life and home.

Let them experience the consequences of their actions, but stand with them in therapy and help them work through their issues.

Just remember, it won’t be easy, but it could change everything.

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Suzy Prichard

Hi, my name is Suzy Prichard and I have been a high school councilor for over 12 years now. I am also a parent to three marvelous children - who have all been through their rocky teenage years and come out of the other side.

Over the years, I have seen my fair share of teenage issues. I have also seen plenty of worried parents at a loss of what to do with their children.

My aim with Talking Teenage is to put a stop to this and help you to communicate with your teenagers better. This will leave you with a better relationship and help you to keep such a close bond.

Please take the time to read my website and learn anything you can - we were all teenagers once!